Other Shoe Syndrome

When you have become a survivor of anything, that sticks to the back of your mind like the stench emanating from the pain that refuses to wash off from the back of your thoughts; you get in the habit of not looking forward to anything.

There had become a point in life where I just expected the bottom to drop out of any given situation. I got to a place where I never allowed myself to have hope for a better moment than what was happening right here, right now. To hope for anything better would invite something worse to kick my ass back into the present moment from the future.

Do you ever wait around for the other shoe to drop in the situation that you find yourself? It doesn’t seem to matter that no matter how happy things could be, do you still have that sense of dread while waiting on the deading thud of the Universe’s boot to hit the floor? I call this the Other Shoe Syndrome.

It tool quite a long time for my knee jerk reaction to the things that would pop up in my life not to be the quiet anticipation of that happening every time. There was so much joy that I can now see that I missed out on because I was always in a state of allert to shit falling a part and then having to figure out how to deal with it flying by the seat of my pants. I was always trying to micromanage everything in my immediate sphere of control and it became exhausting on a soul level.

I am grateful to have been able to learn all that I have from those times of what I now call my Red Alert Moments. Yes, I still have them but I have had a security bypass to the delete button I had installed on my forehead between my eyebrows. Somehow I got to bogged down in dread and despair of what was possible to happen while sitting on my bed in the hospital and put my finger to my forehead and said, “Damnit! Delete!”

That moment was where I consider myself to have made the turn around the corner of Other Shoe Syndrome to Damnit Delete Freedom. The peace that came from the surreneder of control was amazing. I remember laughing so hard I wold have peed myself if it weren’t for the Nephrostomy tubes in my kidneys going out my back collecting it in bags. See there really is an upside to any situation. Even one as pissy and painful as Nephrostomy Tubes.

So the next time you find yourself in the middle of cringing as you wait in your state of Other Shoe Syndrome, Stop. Take pointer finger and push between eyebrows on forehead and say “Delete!” to yourself or outloud if needed as many times and as much needed to get to even a place of wondering what you were worrying about and then hit Delete again!

Send your story – send to mmj@mmjurgensen.me

I don’t know what your story is or was, but I would love to know. I am searching for other Survivors Of Life. I am interested in anyone that has a true story of survivorship in any situation, even if it is only that the band-aid on you shin got stuck in your leg hair and it hurt like hell but you made it through. I want to know! Send your story – send to mmj@mmjurgensen.me

Are You S.O.L. – The Search Has Begun!

Greetings Survivor Of Life! My name is Meredith Miller Jurgensen, and I am SOL!


Thank you for giving me the valued time out of your busy life getting to know me. Now that you have found your way here please take the time to explore. The Universe has guided you here for a reason, and for whatever that reason may be, I will do my best to help and be useful in whatever way I can. This brand spanking new website with evolving content and growing material is intended to let you know that you are not alone in your journey to becoming and being a Survivor OF Life.
I have spent what seems like this whole lifetime stepping, falling over and jumping from one side to the other of that fine line that divides both states of SOL. My resume of survivorship is long and distinguished. I sometimes think to myself that my education in this area of life has been one of post-grad work w/honors and I now have my Ph.D. in Survivorship from the School of What The Fuck Now. I have taken concentrations of and now have certifications in:
• Divorce
• Abuse (physical, mental, emotional, sexual and religious)
• Loss of home and possessions ( in Hurricane Floyd flooding)
• Lupus (triggered by chemicals and environmental toxins in flood water)
• Botched Surgeries
• Stage 4 non-HPV related Cervical Cancer
• Non-operable tumor (softball/grapefruit sized)
• Chemo and Radiation
• Kidney Failure (from tumor smashing kidneys)
• Ten sets of Bi-lateral Ureteral Stents
• Recto/vaginal fistula (hole in the vaginal wall into the colon)
• Non-reversible Colostomy (incision ripped open, wound vac used to hold closed to heal)
• Hospital bed at home
• Hole in bladder (size of 50cent piece)
• 38 years old and in a pull-up
• Post Cancer Treatment side effects
• Bi-lateral Nephrostomy Tubes
• Kidney failure again resulting in coma
• Fever of 105 degrees for five days straight in coma (baked my brain like an apple pie)
• Survival of coma (wasn’t supposed to)
• Was predicted to be a Vegetable after waking up from coma
• Inability to stand or walk after waking up from coma
• Relationship Failure 7 days after coming home from coma (6 1/2 year relationship ended getting on ambulance to go back to ER)
• Another three months in hospital with a heart so broken my body didn’t want to thrive
• Two different stage-4 wounds (bedsores)
• Right Nephrostomy Tube ripped out by Nurse not paying attention
• Wound debridement surgery on my 40th birthday
• Four Months in Nursing Home for Wound Rehabilitation
• Three different roommates died in our shared room in front of me
• Was told I would never leave the Nursing Home (I did)
• Was told that Stage-4 wounds would never heal (they did…completely )
• Rheumatologist determined that he cannot find any resemblance of Lupus in my tests after coma
• Situational Depression (from being in a tiny room for eight months)
• Coming home to live with parents
• Living with my family as an entirely different person than they knew before coma
• Living on the living room couch for two years out in the open in front of everyone at home while hiding from life
• Not leaving my home except for surgeries and doctor appointments (by ambulance transport)
• 30+ surgeries since March 17th, 2010 ( stopped counting at 30 because it became depressing)
• Inability to stand or walk since coma three years ago.


I have been on one side or the other of that line drawn in the sand, that represented the Shit Outta Luck view of myself and my existence, far too many times. I have been through and survived what seems like several lifetimes of messed up shit in just this current trip around the galaxy. As you take the time to become familiar with my personal story of going from Shit Outta Luck to a Survivor Of Life, my wish is for something you find here to help you to know that you too can become a Survivor of Life. I am living proof that there is always hope!

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