When you have become a survivor of anything, that sticks to the back of your mind like the stench emanating from the pain that refuses to wash off from the back of your thoughts; you get in the habit of not looking forward to anything.
There had become a point in life where I just expected the bottom to drop out of any given situation. I got to a place where I never allowed myself to have hope for a better moment than what was happening right here, right now. To hope for anything better would invite something worse to kick my ass back into the present moment from the future.
Do you ever wait around for the other shoe to drop in the situation that you find yourself? It doesn’t seem to matter that no matter how happy things could be, do you still have that sense of dread while waiting on the deading thud of the Universe’s boot to hit the floor? I call this the Other Shoe Syndrome.
It tool quite a long time for my knee jerk reaction to the things that would pop up in my life not to be the quiet anticipation of that happening every time. There was so much joy that I can now see that I missed out on because I was always in a state of allert to shit falling a part and then having to figure out how to deal with it flying by the seat of my pants. I was always trying to micromanage everything in my immediate sphere of control and it became exhausting on a soul level.
I am grateful to have been able to learn all that I have from those times of what I now call my Red Alert Moments. Yes, I still have them but I have had a security bypass to the delete button I had installed on my forehead between my eyebrows. Somehow I got to bogged down in dread and despair of what was possible to happen while sitting on my bed in the hospital and put my finger to my forehead and said, “Damnit! Delete!”
That moment was where I consider myself to have made the turn around the corner of Other Shoe Syndrome to Damnit Delete Freedom. The peace that came from the surreneder of control was amazing. I remember laughing so hard I wold have peed myself if it weren’t for the Nephrostomy tubes in my kidneys going out my back collecting it in bags. See there really is an upside to any situation. Even one as pissy and painful as Nephrostomy Tubes.
So the next time you find yourself in the middle of cringing as you wait in your state of Other Shoe Syndrome, Stop. Take pointer finger and push between eyebrows on forehead and say “Delete!” to yourself or outloud if needed as many times and as much needed to get to even a place of wondering what you were worrying about and then hit Delete again!